if i die

 ive experienced life and death situation several days ago

in the Operation room, all i think is what if i die

u know, i always wanted to die before everyone else, because i cannot live without everyone that i love.

the thoughts of loosing my parent kills me, like whats the point of living without them,

like, i wanted to die before my parent, siblings, love one and all. 

and then i have isa. 

now i have isa, i wanted to live as long as i can, so that i can see him and have more borrowed time with him, i want to be with him for as long as i can. i want to hold his hand until maybe one day he is the one that have to hold my hand. 

all i think is, please dont let me die, isa is too small to be motherless, i still have so much love to give to him. i wanted him to have endless mother love, just like how i am endlessly loved by my mother. i wanted to see him grow up, to always be there for him during his up and down. Ya Allah semoga dipanjangkan waktu kami bersama. 

i love him so much. i was more worried of him more than im worried about me. like, im not scared that im about to be cut open by the doctors, but im worried that i die and isa wont have a mother. i guess this is what being a mother is, putting your child first before you. 

and isa, if i really do die, well i surely will die someday, but if its before u can understand things, i want you to know that i love you so muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so much more than all the universe and everything inside. you are my whole universe, my whole life, my reason for being alive. MM love you. 

Hauzwife

 Hollaaa,

Its 2022 alreadyyy. Happy new yearrrrr everybodyy

This year i took new year new me seriously and literally 

I quit my job and start a new life in a new country 8,350 km away

Fuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It was one of the biggest decision everrr

It feels like, it was way bigger than when i decided to bring another human being into this world haha

it had always been in the plan, u know, to quit, be a housewife, it was one my dream to sit on my butt all day doing nothing at home haha. 

but when i actually have to go through with it. omg. im actually tornnneddd

suddenly i realised i love working. meeting friends at work. going to lunch together. being busy. i love the money that i get from it. i love the feeling that it gives me. tibber lah semuaa haha

and now its been 2 months, almost 3 lahh of being a housewife.

and what i can say, and i never say it out loud to anybody, is that, 

i feel reduced.

not downgraded, cuz i know being a housewife a.k.a not working is surely is not a downgrade, a lot of people search for sugar daddy so that they dont have to work haha. not having to wake up every morning, stuck in the traffic, kena marah boss? sure is an upgrade if u asked me hahah

but i feel reduced. I feel that i have soooo much potential, i have so much things i can contributed to, so many things i can accomplish. but here i am wiping isa poo poo. 

dont get me wrong. i love being isa's mom. but i feel like that is all what i am now. i dont have any other identity than a mom. i am reduced to only that. Dulu i can say oh i am this, i am that, oh i finished a project, oh i got a promotion, oh i was nominated as this, i am an exco, oh i accomplished this and that and now i dont knowwwww, i finished washing dishes? 

i am reduced to a mom. and only that. dulu i can say oh im a executive, and a mom or wtv lah kan, now i am only a mom. and i cannot escape it for 24/7. dulu when i went to work, i am not attached to being a mom, i feel like i have something else. like i am more than taking care of my child. does this sound ridiculous? macam mak tak guna kan, hahaha but thats how i feeellll. cuz dulu i have time that i can spend lepak  with friend, karoke, and all cuz isa in taska. now, i am the taska haha. 

oh well, other than that, everything is good. but i sure miss home. i am home sick!  

i miss my mom and dad so badly. everytime i nyusu isa, i would think my mom did this for me too dulu, and now im here so far away from her, nanti isa will do this to me too, isa will be soooo far away from me, having his own life, apart from me. hahahha. which is irony cuz baca tak perenggan atas tu i cakap about finding an escape from being a mother, but at the same time i want my baby to me 24/7, sampai ke tua! hahahhahaha

motherhood is crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 

 

STAYCATION WITH GIRLFRIENDS

 Hi,

so me and some of my good friends from work decided to go for a vacation, its been so long since we all went somewhere due to the Covid restriction,

initially we wanted to go to Ipoh, but after all the planning and stuff, our schedule kept on clashing with impromptu things, like, wedding, convocation, isa's birthday haha

so we decided, okay, lets go for a staycation in KL. Weehee~

LETS GO!

So, we booked the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, just next to KLCC. feeling posh gittew ehex. might as well booked the nicest hotel cuz we wont be spending much on the travelling money, its only 20minutes from Shah Alam, haha.

first thing first, we went for fooddd at the two sons bistro.  

eh mana isaaa?

saya disiniii, tengah intai dari stroller XD

After finished eating, we went to the hotel to check in. 

i considered this trip as isa's early birthday trip :p

he loveee hotel

was so happy bouncing around the room, then play in the bathtub and all

weee ~

early birthday present from mm. MM bought it from samsonites and it follows isa's theme, giraffe and yellow 

after that we went for a stroll with le gurls around KLCC

window shopping, feasting our eyes only, haha

isa is not so interested in shopping mall haha

it was fun, we chill under the Christmas tree and talked abour stupid random stuff

thats the thing being with all of them, it makes everything just so fun and hilarious haha 

like we laugh about all the stupidest thing

time fly so fast when we are spending time together :')

ill definitely miss this. sobs.

after that, we went back to the hotel and chill

after maghrib we went out for a bite at bens

we did some silly dance for the reels ehex 

hi. im isa the santa claus, no gift for u cuz ur noty

after dinner, its game night!

we had soooo much fuuunnnnnn

we exchange gifts, playing charade and all

isa join us, he slept pass his bedtime hahah

gift exchange!

nyenyak bb mm tido after party all night hahah

the next morning, we went to the infamous ruma puteh, next to istana budaya

the place is super cool and very aesthetic gittuu

the food was also good, big portion, i share my meal with echa

main dish :p

after brunch, me and echa went back to Shah Alam cuz theres a wedding for us to attend,

and i send isa to the daycare, cuz i dont really bring Isa to overly crowded place, still be cautios of COVID

he cannot be vaccinated for covid

after the wedding we went to Chang-kala-o-ke at Pavi

for 3 hoursss and of course echa have all the energy for that

all in all, I have soooo much fun

its short yet soooo meaningful

it makes my weekend feels like a long holiday

all recharged! 

i hope we can go to a trip like this again

all together with all of awesome fwends i love u guys muahhh

 

Labor story

 isa is turning one next month, well to be exact in 26 days.

one

one year

twelve months

wowwwwwwww 

im sorry, I need to repeat myself cuz I just cant believe isa is already one?

Feels like yesterday i gave birth to him.

i can still remember it clearly. gosh. the traumaaa

in remembering and celebrating isa's first birthday, which is actually should be a celebration for me, cuz i gave birth to him, hey, i am the one who have to work very hard, pushing and all, he just like slide out from my vajajay, sooo im going to tell u all my labor journey. this is for isa, so he say thank you mm on all of his birthday, every year. your welcome isa, mm love u so muchh. 

This also can be considered as pengalaman bersalin musim PKP brrrr

5/12/20202

Sooooo, i was overdue, isa's due date is 1/12, i was supposed to go to the hospital on 7/12. i was chilling, still not feeling the contraction, but that morning, i have like a slight pain around my stomach, its like a very mild period pain, but it only last for 10 minutes? then its gone. my mom suggested that we should just go to the hospital, u know, in case. but when we arrived at the hospital, its around 4pm, i dont feel the pain at all, its all normal. But i already arrived in the hospital, so yeah, the doctor done some check ups on me, no sign of going into labor so far. put the CTG machine, no contraction, isa is sleeping, the doctor have to shake my belly so that isa wake up. but he just refused to haha. they checked my opening, its 1cm, which mean naaah. but because im already overdue, they just asked me to stay in the hospital ward. i was like, shoot, i didnt even bring anything, cuz i know im not going into labor yet, so i didnt bring my bag. so i asked my husband to go and fetch it at my house. so before i go into the ward, a senior doctor came and checked my opening, she was like, "eh its already 3cm"

admitted to the ward

at 4.30pm admitted to the ward. um,okay. andddd here comes the pain. it started mild. im in the ward alone, due to covid, nobody can accompany you. So i went to the toilet, and theres bloodd. its the first time im seeing blood coming out of my vagina after 9 months. haha. i was like excited. yes, finally! because, i just cannot wait for isa to come outt! hes heavy, im so tired of carrying him in my tummy hahah. but then, after i pray maghrib, i started to feel sooooooo much pain, okay, not so excited anymore T^T i was like tossing and turning. it hurt soooooooooooo muchhh. and then the doctor came, and i told him, i felt like something is coming out of me, when i got out of the bed, blood, theres chunks of blood on the floor. they put me on the wheel chair and off i go to the labor room. 

Around 10pm, i was in the labor room. i asked for all the pain killer that they have. they gave me a shot of pain killer. and that thing that you have to inhale, idk what it is, what i know is, its not enoughhhh, im still feeling the paiinn. that thing makes me drowzy, so when the contraction gone, i fell asleep, then woken up by contraction, and fell asleep again, untillll its around 1am, idk, i cant really keep track of the time, im high and in pain. i was alone in that LR. no nurse or doctor. so i was turning and tossing, then a doctor came, and asked me if i wanted to push now, which, of course, YES PLEASE MAKE THIS PAIN GO AWAYYYY!!! 

so he asked me to push. then a nurses came and asked the doctor, eh kenapa dah push, tak cukup cm lagi, and the doctor was like, well, she wanted to. of course i wanted to, i feel like shitting myself like 2 hours ago okay. hahaha. so i push and pushhh and pushh, isa dont want to come out. then another nurse came. i was like soooo tired, and in pain, my last meal was like 12 hours ago ke, and it was just only a small bowl of porridge and i have dont have the energy anymore. the doctor told me to push like as if i am having a hard poop, yeah, idk, never in my life, i have a very healthy bowel system, hahah. ive watched a millions of youtube videos on breathing technic, and at that moment, i just cant remember how to breath, how to push?! 

you know, i have this thing, when things gets too hard, i tend to dissociate myself from it, like, this is not the reality, is this some kind of simulation. so i stopped pushing, and i think of the billboard in front of the USM. waah theres a new LED billboard in front of the USM, its been so long since i came here. 

the nurse was shouting to me, pussshhhhhhh! baby lemas nanti lama duk bawah tu! okay, i push, NOOO jangan push dengan muka, push bawahh! okay. idk how. the two nurse urut urut and push my belly so that isa can come out, the doctor had already did the episiotomy on me. and at 1.24AM i gave birth to isa. fuuuhhhhhhh the feeling when isa came out of me, i still remember the gush of warm water coming out of me with isa, legaa! but i still dont agree with people yang cakap "oh tengok baby nanti hilang semua rasa sakit" cuz im sure as hell im still in pain. 

When isa first came out of me, hes not crying, he is silent, and i was still in phase of "is this reality? or is this a simulation? naah this must not be the reality. so i was blur, looking at my baby not crying, it should be a very scary thing right? Nurse terus amik isa and lari keluar, she shout something, i dont know what it is. so i never have a skin to skin moment after giving birth. im so sorry isa, mm had try her best to push you :'( but isa cry after that. i think isa is still sleeping, thats why he didnt cry. haha. 

and then the doctor start to stitch me up, it takes soo longggg! so i gave birth to isa at 1.24am, the stitching ended at 3.30am? about 2 hoursss. and i can feel the threaddd. ngiluuuuuu. so they stitched me up, and the doctors was like "hmm the blood is not stopping" they left some placenta in me, so they had to korek balik, ughhh the painnn, it feels like giving birth againnn! 

took this photo righ after they finished stitching me up

so around 4am, they put me in the wheelchair, gave me a cup of hot milo and 3crackers, i ate them all and asked for some more, im hungry mannnnn, i havent eaten for more than 12 hours. and then i met isa for the first time, hes all bundled up and clean and cute :') i dont know how to hold him at first, not very used to holding up very small bb. then we were brought to the ward again. i haven sleep for 24 hours now. so tired. of pushing and everything, but cannot sleep cuz im still in so much pain, and theres isa, he have to drink milk, shoot, i dont know how to breast feed a baby. so i call the nurse, asked her to show me how to breastfeed isa, cuz i need him to poop and pee so that we can be discharged from the ward. the problem is, isa dont really want to drink, he wanted to sleeeeepppp. such a cutie. he didnt even cry or anything, he just open his eye and look at me, and sleep, gaahhh so cute. i miss him, the smol bean isa :') 

first day of isa

so kewttt

Thanks dd upah teran isa :')

7 days of isa. Majlis cukur :)

Our first family photo <3

sooo yeah. isa is soooo bigggg now, such a big boy, geramm

still my baby, forever and always <3

and sorry ye, no adik for you in the near future, im still traumatized haha

Isa latest picture, big boyyyyyyy already :')

semoga menjadi anak yang solehhh isa. mm love youu. 

hi

 so hi. ill be posting more frequent on this blog. I hope. hehe.

ive been active on twitter sharing my thoughts and rant

but it is so limited, i want to embrace this side of me that loveeee to rant hahaha

i have so much in my mind to share, people need to know what im thinking okeeyy. hahaha. 

i know this blog had been abandoned for sooo long. dulu setiap minggu kot update.

i have this blog since im 15. now im 28. haha. i love this space so much.

i have a lot of social media, but i always run back to this blog. its nostalgic. 

maybe the content will be more about my baby, hehe im so obsessed with him im sorry :p

bye for nowwww. TTYL :*

PANDEMIC

 Hey

Its august 2021, im 28, just trying to make sense of everything

Its been 500 days living with Corona,

We had been asked to stay at home for 500 days, fuhhh

Some cannot see their family, including me, i miss them so much,

Some lost someone they love, i lost my loving aunty cikyah to corona,

Some lost their income, i witnessed some of my friends lost their jobs,

Its a very hard time, news about suicide is everywhere, anxiety is high, some just cant take it anymore, with the very incompetent government some more. Its hell. 

U know i only come here to write if i have very strong emotion, like when im just soooo happy, or soo emotional, or sooo sad. And now im super anxious. About almost everything. All the uncertainties. I cannot make any plans, cuz theres corona.

Theres nothing concrete now. Will i survive this pandemic? I dont know. Maybe no maybe yes. But i just hope all my love one isnt effected by this pandemic. I want my parent to live through it. Im so worried about them. And also isa. I am worried about him too. Hes too small. He cannot be vaccinated. What if i got corona, who will take care of him. My parents is not here, my husband is not here. Just thinking about all these making me feel depressed. Also worried for my siblings, and husband, who were all soooo far away from me :(

If i didnt survive this pandemic, i just hope my parents is not sad. Its one of my wish to die before them, i couldnt handle loosing them ever. I am not that good at goodbye. So its better for me to leave than them leaving me. But my only concern is Isa, if im gone, he have to grew up with no mother, that is sad, having a mother is one of the god greatest give, one of my biggest blessing is having my mother and father. This is all sad. Just too sad. Please tell isa that i love him soooo much. Mimi love you so much bb inca, please always be healthy. 

I hope theres a silver lining to all this. And i hope that all my family members survived this pandemic. So we can gather again. And i will miss cikyah so much. Semoga Allah tempatkan cikyah dengan golongan yang beriman. I hope we can be reunite again. Someday. 

  

memoir

I'm just dropping by to jot this down in case one day I forget. To remind me that i have such an awesome friend. This is my memoir dedicated for a good friend of mine, echa.

 Last night after dinner, me and echa had some conversation about life after me having my baby. U know, being pregnant is not as complicated as having the child out in the real world, haha, cuz the baby is in the tummy, so yeah, nothing much affected my life. But after this, it sure will, with me not having a husband beside me to do rotation of who will take care of the baby, I have to do it allll by myself. I have to think where to put him when I go to work, or do I bring him with me when I go out and about, outstations, all the extra cost, pampers, milk, baby things blab la bla. Biggest issue is where I will stay after this, right now I'm staying in the apartment that are provided by my office with my officemate, but I think it would be an inconvenience to others if I bring the baby with me, like, everybody in the house didn’t signed up to listen to baby's cry remix every night. Soooo being considerate I just think I have to find a new place to rent. More extra cost.

So I was discussing this with echa, and she agreed to help me with all these aka being my 2nd "husband", help me take care of the child, and find a house to rent together. And she told me "Allah dah susun elok dah, mungkin ni lah hikmah aku tak kawen lagi, supaya boleh jaga anak kau sesama"

And I was like, soooooooo struck by it. First of all, I am sooo thankful to have such a good friend. Shes willing to leave her current apartment just to stay with me, and she is practically living for free in her apartment. And I was sitting there thinking, if I was in her shoes, would I do the same? Would I give up my free rent apartment? and pay extra money just to rent so that I can take care of somebody else's child? Like, right now, I am only considering to move from my free rent house just because its my child, if I don’t have this child I would live here like foreverrr haha don’t have to pening pening keluar duit sewa. But shes willing to do that, she volunteered for it, I don’t even make that suggestion. I don’t even have word to describe how thankful I am to have her as my friend T^T i dont deserve herrr

and even now, shes the one who had been taking care of me, ajak dinner everynight, being my personal food panda and all. tsk. What did i do to deserve such a wonderful friend :')

I pray that god will bless her with the biggest blessing ever. And thank you God for blessing me with the biggest blessing of a good friend :') May Allah ease everything for me and her. 

Semoga persahabatan ini diberkati selalu. I love you.  

NEW CHAPTER

 hi. im experiencing new chapter in life

just graduated from "marriage" chapter, and now im advancing to yet another new chapter

"being pregnant" chapter. i never thought i would experience this chapter. i know its normal, like, as a woman, but still, it is still a very out of this world experience to me. haha

if people ask me, am i ready to be a mother? well, definitely naaaaaaaaaaaah

but i am thankful for this rezeki. my husband is very excited. 

just going to jot down the experience, month by month. before i forgot about it.

so the first month, its 2 April 2020, my period is late, and i took the test, theres TWO line

 

its a mix of happy and confused and wuuuttt moment for me,

i am 6 weeks pregnant at that time. we went to clinic and carry out the scan to ensure that i am really am pregnant

and yup, there it is :')

i dont really feel pregnant at this stage. 

Thank god my morning sickness is not so bad, i just vomit like twice. and i am really thankful that my early first trimester was fully at my house in Kelantan due to PKP, with my parent and husband.

My buku pink masa baby and my baby buku pink :p

 

i lost 3kgs during  my first trimester, due to loosing some appetite, and cuz i dont want to vomit, so i avoid eating, cuz eating=vomiting, hahah

in May i have to get back to work, 

im almost 3 months pregnant, so its quite okay, still dont feel that pregnant haha, and nobody really know that i am pregnant.

3 months

The biggest challenge for me at time is, food

u know i love my food rawwww

sushi, red meat, half cooked seafood

and when you're pregnant, u cannot eat raw food, so it really is a challenge to me, like, das literally my whole diet, what i eat everyday T^T

so i did my best to avoid it, i still eat sushi, but i choose the cooked one, which is sooo boring sobs

avocado is good for the baby, and me :3

                                       

went to Klinik Kesihatan for my monthly check-up,

i dont know theres so many needles involved when u're pregnant tsk, i hate needles :(

and my HB is quite low, so more blood sample needed ughh such a nightmare, 

every time i went for a checkup, i will be reminded of how big a mother's sacrifice is. SO BIG! my children better be thankful to me.

during 5 months of pregnancy, i started to feel some movement, my bump is still not that big,

people still dont know that i am pregnant, haha

showing off my 5 months baby bump

 now that i start to feel the kicks and turn from my baby, i feel more pregnant

i also went for the detailed scan, with my husband, before he flew back to Istanbul,

Alhamdulillah, the baby is healthy :')

look at that precious lil beannnnn,

i love him so much, yes, its a him!

i love him soooo much. i havent met him, but i already love him soooooooooooo much its crazy.

i never thought i would have this feeling. because when i first knew that i am pregnant, to be honest, i am happy, but at the same time i am afraid.

like, theres a wholeee lot of possibilities, and when u have anxiety, u tend to over think, for the worst possible scenarios. so its not that fun. anxiety and pregnancy is really is a very bad combo. when pregnant it is always advisable to have happy thought, always be positive, dont stress. but, das not possible for meeee. but alhamdulillah, so far so goodddd. i still have a lot on my mind, but knowing my baby is healthy has been the greatest news for me. 

and now i am 6 months pregnant! 

half way to go

please pray for meeeeee and the babyyy <3

 

please be healthy, bb, mommy cant wait to meet you. keep kickinggg!

less than three

Ive slept early last night. And now I am wide awake. It’s a chill breezy night.  I love nights like this; it's calm. My head is full of late night's thoughts, as usual, my brain is always working. And I looked over my shoulder, I can see my husband sleeping so serene next to me. 

And it actually make me smile, reminiscing all the things that we had go through to get to this stage. We had went through a LOT. On and off, on and off again, thousands of fights, months of not talking, welp, a LOT.

It just a combination of a disaster when you are in a relationship for a lot of years and top it with long distance. We had been in a relationship for 10 years, and all of it is long distance. When u had been in the same relationship for so long, u just get to know more about that person, the good and the bad. And of course there would be a lot issues arise in those 10 years, making it more challenging and we are in a long distance relationship, so sitting down face-to-face for discussion is not an option. Its different with new love or relationship, everything is still exciting, and less issues, because you're new, not much conflicts, everything is butterfly and sunshine and you are oh so in love. But when it's been so long, a lot of problems arise, and some accumulate, and we didn’t really have the time to discuss about it thoroughly, and don’t let me start about the time zone difference. When I sleep, he's awake, and when I'm awake he's asleep. But we make it throughhh, I know I know, there will still be a lot of hurdle in front of us, but surviving all this is still an accomplishment for me haha.

And we are still in a long distance relationship. This is the one time that we actually are not long distance, have to thanks the pandemic for this. We got married in January, a week after he flew back to Istanbul. He should be in Istanbul now, but theres a pandemic going in now, and hes in Malaysia since March, so its 3 months of being close to each other, that’s a record, haha. 

Being married to him for now had been a blessing to me. He is everything that I expected and much more. Hes still the same soft spoken and understanding man I knew as my boyfriend. Always supporting me no matter what, always putting me first before him. Now that I live with him, I know that I didn’t make a wrong choice what so ever in choosing him to be life partner. He is so helpful around the house, well, actually he did everything around the house hahah. He does the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, sending off and picking me from work every day, welp, everything. All I do is say thank youuuuu, please come again >.<~

nampak sehelai rambut terus vacuum

makan pun dia sedia/beli letak depan tunggu makan aje :p

We are the polar opposite, hes calm, doesn’t really show his emotion that much and me, im a firecracker, always on the edge and waiting to explode. Hes very neat and I love to make a mess. Im always anxious, and hes so chill, it actually make me more anxioussss. The only similarity that we have is, we are both cute :3 tehee.

I am happy, truly happy and grateful for everything. I am blessed. And I hope all this happiness would be for eternity, the same as our love for each other.  He complete me, in aspect that im lacking. And I hope I complete him too. To infinity and beyond <3 nbsp="" p="">

first raya as husband & wife

MARRIED

heyyyyyyy

hello to everybody that had been reading this blog since i was 15. 

when i made stupid post about adam lambert and bill kaulitz and all those cool pretty celebrity crush,

who would have thought that i am now married. phew :3

i myself cant believe it. 

it is one of those thing that i never listed in my to do things. haha

15 years old me would try to talk to me out of this, 

"really maryam? u wanted to get married? to a man?! ewww" 

we dont like men when we were 15. we only like pretty anime character and men who looks like a girl and wearing make up haha. 

and i am married to someone who i would never had imagined when i was 15, welp, its not adam lambert :p

but i am married to my lovely-now-exboyfriend upgraded to my husband, 

welp not his first time being my ex-bf hahaha

we had a very roller coaster up and down-hell-out of the rail relationship for 10 years

im glad to go through that journey with him. every bit of it. the high, the low and the mediocre.

we see each other grew up, we were both super dumb and young when we first started all this,

theres a lot of moment that i am not proud of, and he also have some, but im glad that we brave it all and here we are, married at last. there will be a whole lot more up, down, out of this world bizarre things that we will go through. and i hope we will make it together, as always. i love you. always have and always will. So glad to call you my hushhhbanddd, my am am <3 p="">

later i post more okay. byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3 br="">

LIFE JUNCTION

Have u ever been at the junction? Different path will take you to different destinations. But u didn't know what's waiting for you at the end of both roads. I am at that junction now. 

When people say, just do it and take a leap of faith, now I can relate. It does feel like leaping. It feels like taking a leap out of the building, or doing a bungee jumping without a proper rope, because I don’t know if I'm going to crash down so hard or bounce back with glee.

I know what my heart wants. But my brain is also busy doing calculation if that’s a rational thing to do.  It feels so confusing and scary. Scary for most part, for all the things in the future that I cannot foresee. But so does everyone, and that’s why life is a gamble. Should it be a gamble? Why can't it be a strategized calculated investment?  Hahah. Welp, even if you've planned your life soooo perfectly, there's still no guarantee that it will go as it planned. 

 

Well, for now, I think it is best to live. Yeah, live in the moment and choose what you think is the best for you and what you want at that moment. When there's 2 things in questioned, A and B, and you wanted A, but in the future I might regret A, because choice B might be more wiser for the future, well just choose the one that you want at that moment, because you'll never know if you're still alive to regret it in the future hahah. At least you die a happy man, choosing what you really want. It’s a very poor strategy for life, but yeah, unfortunately, I'm a gambler.

Let's roll the dice!