if i die

 ive experienced life and death situation several days ago

in the Operation room, all i think is what if i die

u know, i always wanted to die before everyone else, because i cannot live without everyone that i love.

the thoughts of loosing my parent kills me, like whats the point of living without them,

like, i wanted to die before my parent, siblings, love one and all. 

and then i have isa. 

now i have isa, i wanted to live as long as i can, so that i can see him and have more borrowed time with him, i want to be with him for as long as i can. i want to hold his hand until maybe one day he is the one that have to hold my hand. 

all i think is, please dont let me die, isa is too small to be motherless, i still have so much love to give to him. i wanted him to have endless mother love, just like how i am endlessly loved by my mother. i wanted to see him grow up, to always be there for him during his up and down. Ya Allah semoga dipanjangkan waktu kami bersama. 

i love him so much. i was more worried of him more than im worried about me. like, im not scared that im about to be cut open by the doctors, but im worried that i die and isa wont have a mother. i guess this is what being a mother is, putting your child first before you. 

and isa, if i really do die, well i surely will die someday, but if its before u can understand things, i want you to know that i love you so muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so much more than all the universe and everything inside. you are my whole universe, my whole life, my reason for being alive. MM love you.