PANDEMIC

 Hey

Its august 2021, im 28, just trying to make sense of everything

Its been 500 days living with Corona,

We had been asked to stay at home for 500 days, fuhhh

Some cannot see their family, including me, i miss them so much,

Some lost someone they love, i lost my loving aunty cikyah to corona,

Some lost their income, i witnessed some of my friends lost their jobs,

Its a very hard time, news about suicide is everywhere, anxiety is high, some just cant take it anymore, with the very incompetent government some more. Its hell. 

U know i only come here to write if i have very strong emotion, like when im just soooo happy, or soo emotional, or sooo sad. And now im super anxious. About almost everything. All the uncertainties. I cannot make any plans, cuz theres corona.

Theres nothing concrete now. Will i survive this pandemic? I dont know. Maybe no maybe yes. But i just hope all my love one isnt effected by this pandemic. I want my parent to live through it. Im so worried about them. And also isa. I am worried about him too. Hes too small. He cannot be vaccinated. What if i got corona, who will take care of him. My parents is not here, my husband is not here. Just thinking about all these making me feel depressed. Also worried for my siblings, and husband, who were all soooo far away from me :(

If i didnt survive this pandemic, i just hope my parents is not sad. Its one of my wish to die before them, i couldnt handle loosing them ever. I am not that good at goodbye. So its better for me to leave than them leaving me. But my only concern is Isa, if im gone, he have to grew up with no mother, that is sad, having a mother is one of the god greatest give, one of my biggest blessing is having my mother and father. This is all sad. Just too sad. Please tell isa that i love him soooo much. Mimi love you so much bb inca, please always be healthy. 

I hope theres a silver lining to all this. And i hope that all my family members survived this pandemic. So we can gather again. And i will miss cikyah so much. Semoga Allah tempatkan cikyah dengan golongan yang beriman. I hope we can be reunite again. Someday. 

  

memoir

I'm just dropping by to jot this down in case one day I forget. To remind me that i have such an awesome friend. This is my memoir dedicated for a good friend of mine, echa.

 Last night after dinner, me and echa had some conversation about life after me having my baby. U know, being pregnant is not as complicated as having the child out in the real world, haha, cuz the baby is in the tummy, so yeah, nothing much affected my life. But after this, it sure will, with me not having a husband beside me to do rotation of who will take care of the baby, I have to do it allll by myself. I have to think where to put him when I go to work, or do I bring him with me when I go out and about, outstations, all the extra cost, pampers, milk, baby things blab la bla. Biggest issue is where I will stay after this, right now I'm staying in the apartment that are provided by my office with my officemate, but I think it would be an inconvenience to others if I bring the baby with me, like, everybody in the house didn’t signed up to listen to baby's cry remix every night. Soooo being considerate I just think I have to find a new place to rent. More extra cost.

So I was discussing this with echa, and she agreed to help me with all these aka being my 2nd "husband", help me take care of the child, and find a house to rent together. And she told me "Allah dah susun elok dah, mungkin ni lah hikmah aku tak kawen lagi, supaya boleh jaga anak kau sesama"

And I was like, soooooooo struck by it. First of all, I am sooo thankful to have such a good friend. Shes willing to leave her current apartment just to stay with me, and she is practically living for free in her apartment. And I was sitting there thinking, if I was in her shoes, would I do the same? Would I give up my free rent apartment? and pay extra money just to rent so that I can take care of somebody else's child? Like, right now, I am only considering to move from my free rent house just because its my child, if I don’t have this child I would live here like foreverrr haha don’t have to pening pening keluar duit sewa. But shes willing to do that, she volunteered for it, I don’t even make that suggestion. I don’t even have word to describe how thankful I am to have her as my friend T^T i dont deserve herrr

and even now, shes the one who had been taking care of me, ajak dinner everynight, being my personal food panda and all. tsk. What did i do to deserve such a wonderful friend :')

I pray that god will bless her with the biggest blessing ever. And thank you God for blessing me with the biggest blessing of a good friend :') May Allah ease everything for me and her. 

Semoga persahabatan ini diberkati selalu. I love you.  

NEW CHAPTER

 hi. im experiencing new chapter in life

just graduated from "marriage" chapter, and now im advancing to yet another new chapter

"being pregnant" chapter. i never thought i would experience this chapter. i know its normal, like, as a woman, but still, it is still a very out of this world experience to me. haha

if people ask me, am i ready to be a mother? well, definitely naaaaaaaaaaaah

but i am thankful for this rezeki. my husband is very excited. 

just going to jot down the experience, month by month. before i forgot about it.

so the first month, its 2 April 2020, my period is late, and i took the test, theres TWO line

 

its a mix of happy and confused and wuuuttt moment for me,

i am 6 weeks pregnant at that time. we went to clinic and carry out the scan to ensure that i am really am pregnant

and yup, there it is :')

i dont really feel pregnant at this stage. 

Thank god my morning sickness is not so bad, i just vomit like twice. and i am really thankful that my early first trimester was fully at my house in Kelantan due to PKP, with my parent and husband.

My buku pink masa baby and my baby buku pink :p

 

i lost 3kgs during  my first trimester, due to loosing some appetite, and cuz i dont want to vomit, so i avoid eating, cuz eating=vomiting, hahah

in May i have to get back to work, 

im almost 3 months pregnant, so its quite okay, still dont feel that pregnant haha, and nobody really know that i am pregnant.

3 months

The biggest challenge for me at time is, food

u know i love my food rawwww

sushi, red meat, half cooked seafood

and when you're pregnant, u cannot eat raw food, so it really is a challenge to me, like, das literally my whole diet, what i eat everyday T^T

so i did my best to avoid it, i still eat sushi, but i choose the cooked one, which is sooo boring sobs

avocado is good for the baby, and me :3

                                       

went to Klinik Kesihatan for my monthly check-up,

i dont know theres so many needles involved when u're pregnant tsk, i hate needles :(

and my HB is quite low, so more blood sample needed ughh such a nightmare, 

every time i went for a checkup, i will be reminded of how big a mother's sacrifice is. SO BIG! my children better be thankful to me.

during 5 months of pregnancy, i started to feel some movement, my bump is still not that big,

people still dont know that i am pregnant, haha

showing off my 5 months baby bump

 now that i start to feel the kicks and turn from my baby, i feel more pregnant

i also went for the detailed scan, with my husband, before he flew back to Istanbul,

Alhamdulillah, the baby is healthy :')

look at that precious lil beannnnn,

i love him so much, yes, its a him!

i love him soooo much. i havent met him, but i already love him soooooooooooo much its crazy.

i never thought i would have this feeling. because when i first knew that i am pregnant, to be honest, i am happy, but at the same time i am afraid.

like, theres a wholeee lot of possibilities, and when u have anxiety, u tend to over think, for the worst possible scenarios. so its not that fun. anxiety and pregnancy is really is a very bad combo. when pregnant it is always advisable to have happy thought, always be positive, dont stress. but, das not possible for meeee. but alhamdulillah, so far so goodddd. i still have a lot on my mind, but knowing my baby is healthy has been the greatest news for me. 

and now i am 6 months pregnant! 

half way to go

please pray for meeeeee and the babyyy <3

 

please be healthy, bb, mommy cant wait to meet you. keep kickinggg!

less than three

Ive slept early last night. And now I am wide awake. It’s a chill breezy night.  I love nights like this; it's calm. My head is full of late night's thoughts, as usual, my brain is always working. And I looked over my shoulder, I can see my husband sleeping so serene next to me. 

And it actually make me smile, reminiscing all the things that we had go through to get to this stage. We had went through a LOT. On and off, on and off again, thousands of fights, months of not talking, welp, a LOT.

It just a combination of a disaster when you are in a relationship for a lot of years and top it with long distance. We had been in a relationship for 10 years, and all of it is long distance. When u had been in the same relationship for so long, u just get to know more about that person, the good and the bad. And of course there would be a lot issues arise in those 10 years, making it more challenging and we are in a long distance relationship, so sitting down face-to-face for discussion is not an option. Its different with new love or relationship, everything is still exciting, and less issues, because you're new, not much conflicts, everything is butterfly and sunshine and you are oh so in love. But when it's been so long, a lot of problems arise, and some accumulate, and we didn’t really have the time to discuss about it thoroughly, and don’t let me start about the time zone difference. When I sleep, he's awake, and when I'm awake he's asleep. But we make it throughhh, I know I know, there will still be a lot of hurdle in front of us, but surviving all this is still an accomplishment for me haha.

And we are still in a long distance relationship. This is the one time that we actually are not long distance, have to thanks the pandemic for this. We got married in January, a week after he flew back to Istanbul. He should be in Istanbul now, but theres a pandemic going in now, and hes in Malaysia since March, so its 3 months of being close to each other, that’s a record, haha. 

Being married to him for now had been a blessing to me. He is everything that I expected and much more. Hes still the same soft spoken and understanding man I knew as my boyfriend. Always supporting me no matter what, always putting me first before him. Now that I live with him, I know that I didn’t make a wrong choice what so ever in choosing him to be life partner. He is so helpful around the house, well, actually he did everything around the house hahah. He does the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, sending off and picking me from work every day, welp, everything. All I do is say thank youuuuu, please come again >.<~

nampak sehelai rambut terus vacuum

makan pun dia sedia/beli letak depan tunggu makan aje :p

We are the polar opposite, hes calm, doesn’t really show his emotion that much and me, im a firecracker, always on the edge and waiting to explode. Hes very neat and I love to make a mess. Im always anxious, and hes so chill, it actually make me more anxioussss. The only similarity that we have is, we are both cute :3 tehee.

I am happy, truly happy and grateful for everything. I am blessed. And I hope all this happiness would be for eternity, the same as our love for each other.  He complete me, in aspect that im lacking. And I hope I complete him too. To infinity and beyond <3 nbsp="" p="">

first raya as husband & wife

MARRIED

heyyyyyyy

hello to everybody that had been reading this blog since i was 15. 

when i made stupid post about adam lambert and bill kaulitz and all those cool pretty celebrity crush,

who would have thought that i am now married. phew :3

i myself cant believe it. 

it is one of those thing that i never listed in my to do things. haha

15 years old me would try to talk to me out of this, 

"really maryam? u wanted to get married? to a man?! ewww" 

we dont like men when we were 15. we only like pretty anime character and men who looks like a girl and wearing make up haha. 

and i am married to someone who i would never had imagined when i was 15, welp, its not adam lambert :p

but i am married to my lovely-now-exboyfriend upgraded to my husband, 

welp not his first time being my ex-bf hahaha

we had a very roller coaster up and down-hell-out of the rail relationship for 10 years

im glad to go through that journey with him. every bit of it. the high, the low and the mediocre.

we see each other grew up, we were both super dumb and young when we first started all this,

theres a lot of moment that i am not proud of, and he also have some, but im glad that we brave it all and here we are, married at last. there will be a whole lot more up, down, out of this world bizarre things that we will go through. and i hope we will make it together, as always. i love you. always have and always will. So glad to call you my hushhhbanddd, my am am <3 p="">

later i post more okay. byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3 br="">

LIFE JUNCTION

Have u ever been at the junction? Different path will take you to different destinations. But u didn't know what's waiting for you at the end of both roads. I am at that junction now. 

When people say, just do it and take a leap of faith, now I can relate. It does feel like leaping. It feels like taking a leap out of the building, or doing a bungee jumping without a proper rope, because I don’t know if I'm going to crash down so hard or bounce back with glee.

I know what my heart wants. But my brain is also busy doing calculation if that’s a rational thing to do.  It feels so confusing and scary. Scary for most part, for all the things in the future that I cannot foresee. But so does everyone, and that’s why life is a gamble. Should it be a gamble? Why can't it be a strategized calculated investment?  Hahah. Welp, even if you've planned your life soooo perfectly, there's still no guarantee that it will go as it planned. 

 

Well, for now, I think it is best to live. Yeah, live in the moment and choose what you think is the best for you and what you want at that moment. When there's 2 things in questioned, A and B, and you wanted A, but in the future I might regret A, because choice B might be more wiser for the future, well just choose the one that you want at that moment, because you'll never know if you're still alive to regret it in the future hahah. At least you die a happy man, choosing what you really want. It’s a very poor strategy for life, but yeah, unfortunately, I'm a gambler.

Let's roll the dice!

CUTI CUTI TURKI

HEYYOOO,

so today i'll be sharing about my holiday in Turkey, 

i went to turkey for about 10 days, and my total lost was only like 4k, including the flights,

Its quite cheap laa for me, cuz its 10 days and i went to several places, 

i covered istanbul for 5 days, cappadocia for 2 days, pamukkale 2 days, and 1 day in Bursa.

From Malaysia. it took around 12 hours to turkey if its a direct flight,
but i took Royal Jordanian Airlines, and i have few transits, one in Bangkok and another in Amaan.
it is tiring to have a few and long transit, but the ticket was cheap, so ai redhaa haha
being economical *cough cheapo cough* is more important than comfort hahahha
but hey, the good thing is you can explore their airport, and if your stopover is more than 8 hours, you are eligible for thier transit accommodation, so you wont be so restless waiting for the next flight

 

 Queen Alia International Airport, Aman

its a very nice airport, and they have free wifi so theres really like no problem transiting here

I just chill and watched some netflix :p

 

you can refer to this for the Transit Tour,

if you want to explore Jordan a lil you surely can, extra memoriess

I arrived in Turkey, but their airport have no free wifi zzz 

hahaha well theres free wifi, tapi kena daftar and all before you can use  it

so this post wont follow the correct timeline 

cuz im too lazy to rearrange the pictures :p

but iffff, and only if you are interested in my elaborated itinerary and cost, boleh komen dibawahh

saya akan buat post khas untuk tu, or maybe email it to you or something

i dont want to write it here cuz this post would be soooo longgg

and i have to make part 2 like the japan trip post, which i havent do it yet,

at this rate, i think you will never see that to ki o part 2 post hahaha

I mean, I stayed there for 10 days and took 1000 pictures sooo yeah hahaha

so ayuh bercuti ke Turki bersama Maryam *melalui gambar* *just pretend u're the one that took my picture*:p 

so i went there in March, its still winter, transitioning to Spring

so it is SUPER COLD

the temperature is like 7 degree celcius waktu tengahari, i die

i dont really function well in the cold, just wanted to roll up and become a sushi instead wuwu T^T

 i dont really fancy traveling in winter, but its my birthday, so terpaksa lahh haha

kan best kalau birthday bulan 4 waktu spring and the temperature is still chill but not so extreme hahaha

but if you want to at least experience Turkey in winter, and play with some snow okay lahh

when i went there, the snow in Istanbul had already melted away, its almost spring,

but theres still some in Bursa, so we went to Bursa.

we took the ferry from Isanbul and the journey took us about an hour. i slept all the way. 

and then took some bus, and cable car to get to the top of the Uludag Mountain 

 

 

kengkonon snowboarding leee,

padahal im too afraid to do it, cuz i might fall, and i dont like falling and i nyilu dengan snoww dia bunyui cit cit i dont know how to desribeee it but I just dont like how it feels, it feels like polystyrene
>.<

I spend most of my days exploring Istanbul there, i visited the blue mosque area for about 4 times,

so if im wearing different clothes but the same blue mosque, i dont change my shirt there, i just went there on different days haha

when traveling around Istanbul, i usually took the tram, its quite convenient and easy,

yang paling penting murahh. 

 compulsory picture when in Istanbul, its the blue mosque i think haha

well, there are thousandssss of mosque there, and they all look almost the same, so im confused a bit 

and this is hagia sofea according to wikepedia :

Hagia Sophia is the former Greek Orthodox Christian patriarchal cathedral, later an Ottoman imperial mosque and now a museum in Istanbul, Turkey. Built in AD 537 at the beginning of the Middle Ages, it was famous in particular for its massive dome. It was the world's largest building and an engineering marvel of its time. It is considered the epitome of Byzantine architecture and is said to have "changed the history of architecture"

 -quoted from wiki, i mean, wiki clearly know more than me haha

but the inside is reaallllyyyy breathtaking, 

sorry theres me blocking the view, but i am also breathtaking wut to do hahahah

 

when visiting Istanbul, I recommend you to experience the ferry, feel the breezeeee, and the birds,

you can actually give bread to the birds, and burung tu datang amik roti tu kat tangan kitaaa

I also went to Topkapi palace,

its the same area as the blue mosque and hagia sofea

Topkapi palace or the Seraglio, is now a large museum. In the 15th century, it served as the main residence and administrative headquarters of the Ottoman sultans. 

so boleh tengok banyak artifak dari zaman nabi semua adaaa

 

 

Imagine raja raja yang duk sini dulu, bangun tido to this view, 

crazyyy

and then we went for a stroll, get lost a little, and found thisss

midyeee, its oyster and they put some rice, squeze some lemon, nyumssss

 

 and its the starting of bloom season, by the end of my holiday, it already April, 

so i get to see some of the Tulips, sepatut nya lagiiiii banyak, they have tulip's carpet, 

tapi baru masuk Spring kan, bunga malu malu lagiii,

so i recommend if you wanted to see flowerrrss a whole lot of them, u shold go during mid-April,

 

 makan kebab after jalan jalan di taman

soooo cuz its my birthday weee

my boyfriend brought me to one of the  dessert restaurant

Hafiz Mustafa 1864

we actually have to queue a bit cuz theress alot of people there,

totally worth it, the food is gooood and the atmosphere is also A-classs gtuuuww

 

 

 happy birthday to me, ugh i hate getting old, but i love cake

and theenn, tetibe my boyfriend was like 

" hey, ade uber tunggu kita kat bawah, jom"

and i was like 

"nak pi manaa naik uber, kita datang sini naik tram"

rupanyaa dia bawak ke satu lagi restoren, its like a double surprise kekeke

its a roof top restaurantt, with the view of Istanbul

its super prettyyyyyy like a fairy tail okay lampu lampu bawah tu and all

the only downside is its winter, its super duper cold with the wind and all

aku nuck matiw kesejukan bzzz

SUPER COLDDD

I wont recommend for you to go here during winter, the restaurant provided us with blanket

but it is still sooo cold i cant feel my hand, welp, anything for the view, haha

like, LOOK at the viewwww, super pwettyy
totally worth losing the sensation of your hand for the view hahah

The next day, my mother and I went for a morning walk on the bridge that connects the Asia part of Istanbul, the air so fresh, my lungs loving it, :p

we went to the market and buy some fish and fresh veggies

I also went through cinematic experience, as in I go to the cinema haha

the cinema's hall is superrrr nice, look at that chair siap ada pasu bunga ape semuaa, 

we watched Captain Marvel, which is okay lahh, not that good, not that bad.

ive lost count of my day, but we went here, hahaha and using cable car

 drinking hot coffee in the chill weather on the top of the hill with this view, what could be better :')

and we also went to the grand bazaar and spice bazaar,

i bought some pistachio nut and souvenir for my friends,

tapi kena tahu tawar menawar, and cari tempat yang murah, 

kedai yang bahagian dalam bangunan is a tad bit expensive, i suggest you walk a bit, and go the shop bahagian luar, its cheaper than the inside, 

 went to Ikea for some meatballsss

and then visited the biggest mosque in Turkey, the Çamlıca Mosque

it is HUGEEE

the picture doesnt do justice for the mosque,

like you cannot see how big it is, but here are some picture that i get from google so you can see how big it iss

okay still tak nampak besar?

 come on, look at thisss, its hugeeeee, everything around it looks tiny

and the next day, we went to taksim

theres this classic tram and galata tower

and a cafe that sell the best burnt cheesecake, nyumss

 

 welp, it is still my birthday :p

okayyy, I think I pretty much already covered my Istanbul trip,

theres some places that i didnt jote down still, most of them is mosque, 

and several other museums, like, you really have to spend a lotttt of time in Istanbul cuz thay have a lottt of interesting places. 

sooo next, is Cappadocia and Pamukkale tripzzzz,

so we went to Cappadocia by flight, it took about 2 hour pewww

 we stayed at the hotel for one night in Cappadocia

 

 my mom hates my shades, dia cakap seperti minah rempitzzzz

so heres me trying my best to look as rempit as possible hahahah

 

swag enuff?

we hired a tour guide with a van for our trip in Cappadocia,
the distances between places to places in Cappadocia is quite far, so u definitely need a transportation. 

the Tour guide was very nice, he explained a lot of thingss but my mommy is to sleepy for it hehe

 

 

the view is super nice but theres no hot air balloon in the sight, T^T

cuz its windy and the weather prediction stated that its going to rainnn

maybe I have to go here again, just for the hot air balloon :p

like its cappadocia, people went there for the hot air balloonnnn

stopped at a floating restaurant for lunch, my mom is my photographer :p

and after touring around Cappadocia, we took a bus to Pamukkale,

it takes around 10 hours i think, tapi malam kan, okay lahh tidoo aje sepanjang perjalanannn

It looks like snow, but actually it's carbonate mineral left by the flowing water

It's harddd and my feet hurts a lot cuz its colddd

 

 theres also a colosseum here in Pamukkale,

and then we took a flight from pamukkale back to Istanbul,

On the way back to Istanbul from Pamukkale, 

my boyfriend made a surprise birthday celebration for me and my mom, cuz we both march babies hehe,

the cakes *a lot of them* were so niceee, but the experinces and memories are the sweetest <3 p="">

i would love to come here again, it really is one of the best holiday ive ever had,

makanan halal senang cari, you can get 4 season here like in europe,  but very muslim friendly as in senang cari tempat solat, makanan halal and toilet ade air (penting) hahah.

I highly recommend everyone to come hereee, like the picture dont do any justice of how beautiful the scenery there. 

so yeahhh, ade pape pertanyaan boleh diajukann. 

love love, 

me muah majaz