if i die

 ive experienced life and death situation several days ago

in the Operation room, all i think is what if i die

u know, i always wanted to die before everyone else, because i cannot live without everyone that i love.

the thoughts of loosing my parent kills me, like whats the point of living without them,

like, i wanted to die before my parent, siblings, love one and all. 

and then i have isa. 

now i have isa, i wanted to live as long as i can, so that i can see him and have more borrowed time with him, i want to be with him for as long as i can. i want to hold his hand until maybe one day he is the one that have to hold my hand. 

all i think is, please dont let me die, isa is too small to be motherless, i still have so much love to give to him. i wanted him to have endless mother love, just like how i am endlessly loved by my mother. i wanted to see him grow up, to always be there for him during his up and down. Ya Allah semoga dipanjangkan waktu kami bersama. 

i love him so much. i was more worried of him more than im worried about me. like, im not scared that im about to be cut open by the doctors, but im worried that i die and isa wont have a mother. i guess this is what being a mother is, putting your child first before you. 

and isa, if i really do die, well i surely will die someday, but if its before u can understand things, i want you to know that i love you so muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so much more than all the universe and everything inside. you are my whole universe, my whole life, my reason for being alive. MM love you. 

Hauzwife

 Hollaaa,

Its 2022 alreadyyy. Happy new yearrrrr everybodyy

This year i took new year new me seriously and literally 

I quit my job and start a new life in a new country 8,350 km away

Fuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It was one of the biggest decision everrr

It feels like, it was way bigger than when i decided to bring another human being into this world haha

it had always been in the plan, u know, to quit, be a housewife, it was one my dream to sit on my butt all day doing nothing at home haha. 

but when i actually have to go through with it. omg. im actually tornnneddd

suddenly i realised i love working. meeting friends at work. going to lunch together. being busy. i love the money that i get from it. i love the feeling that it gives me. tibber lah semuaa haha

and now its been 2 months, almost 3 lahh of being a housewife.

and what i can say, and i never say it out loud to anybody, is that, 

i feel reduced.

not downgraded, cuz i know being a housewife a.k.a not working is surely is not a downgrade, a lot of people search for sugar daddy so that they dont have to work haha. not having to wake up every morning, stuck in the traffic, kena marah boss? sure is an upgrade if u asked me hahah

but i feel reduced. I feel that i have soooo much potential, i have so much things i can contributed to, so many things i can accomplish. but here i am wiping isa poo poo. 

dont get me wrong. i love being isa's mom. but i feel like that is all what i am now. i dont have any other identity than a mom. i am reduced to only that. Dulu i can say oh i am this, i am that, oh i finished a project, oh i got a promotion, oh i was nominated as this, i am an exco, oh i accomplished this and that and now i dont knowwwww, i finished washing dishes? 

i am reduced to a mom. and only that. dulu i can say oh im a executive, and a mom or wtv lah kan, now i am only a mom. and i cannot escape it for 24/7. dulu when i went to work, i am not attached to being a mom, i feel like i have something else. like i am more than taking care of my child. does this sound ridiculous? macam mak tak guna kan, hahaha but thats how i feeellll. cuz dulu i have time that i can spend lepak  with friend, karoke, and all cuz isa in taska. now, i am the taska haha. 

oh well, other than that, everything is good. but i sure miss home. i am home sick!  

i miss my mom and dad so badly. everytime i nyusu isa, i would think my mom did this for me too dulu, and now im here so far away from her, nanti isa will do this to me too, isa will be soooo far away from me, having his own life, apart from me. hahahha. which is irony cuz baca tak perenggan atas tu i cakap about finding an escape from being a mother, but at the same time i want my baby to me 24/7, sampai ke tua! hahahhahaha

motherhood is crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 

 

STAYCATION WITH GIRLFRIENDS

 Hi,

so me and some of my good friends from work decided to go for a vacation, its been so long since we all went somewhere due to the Covid restriction,

initially we wanted to go to Ipoh, but after all the planning and stuff, our schedule kept on clashing with impromptu things, like, wedding, convocation, isa's birthday haha

so we decided, okay, lets go for a staycation in KL. Weehee~

LETS GO!

So, we booked the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, just next to KLCC. feeling posh gittew ehex. might as well booked the nicest hotel cuz we wont be spending much on the travelling money, its only 20minutes from Shah Alam, haha.

first thing first, we went for fooddd at the two sons bistro.  

eh mana isaaa?

saya disiniii, tengah intai dari stroller XD

After finished eating, we went to the hotel to check in. 

i considered this trip as isa's early birthday trip :p

he loveee hotel

was so happy bouncing around the room, then play in the bathtub and all

weee ~

early birthday present from mm. MM bought it from samsonites and it follows isa's theme, giraffe and yellow 

after that we went for a stroll with le gurls around KLCC

window shopping, feasting our eyes only, haha

isa is not so interested in shopping mall haha

it was fun, we chill under the Christmas tree and talked abour stupid random stuff

thats the thing being with all of them, it makes everything just so fun and hilarious haha 

like we laugh about all the stupidest thing

time fly so fast when we are spending time together :')

ill definitely miss this. sobs.

after that, we went back to the hotel and chill

after maghrib we went out for a bite at bens

we did some silly dance for the reels ehex 

hi. im isa the santa claus, no gift for u cuz ur noty

after dinner, its game night!

we had soooo much fuuunnnnnn

we exchange gifts, playing charade and all

isa join us, he slept pass his bedtime hahah

gift exchange!

nyenyak bb mm tido after party all night hahah

the next morning, we went to the infamous ruma puteh, next to istana budaya

the place is super cool and very aesthetic gittuu

the food was also good, big portion, i share my meal with echa

main dish :p

after brunch, me and echa went back to Shah Alam cuz theres a wedding for us to attend,

and i send isa to the daycare, cuz i dont really bring Isa to overly crowded place, still be cautios of COVID

he cannot be vaccinated for covid

after the wedding we went to Chang-kala-o-ke at Pavi

for 3 hoursss and of course echa have all the energy for that

all in all, I have soooo much fun

its short yet soooo meaningful

it makes my weekend feels like a long holiday

all recharged! 

i hope we can go to a trip like this again

all together with all of awesome fwends i love u guys muahhh

 

Labor story

 isa is turning one next month, well to be exact in 26 days.

one

one year

twelve months

wowwwwwwww 

im sorry, I need to repeat myself cuz I just cant believe isa is already one?

Feels like yesterday i gave birth to him.

i can still remember it clearly. gosh. the traumaaa

in remembering and celebrating isa's first birthday, which is actually should be a celebration for me, cuz i gave birth to him, hey, i am the one who have to work very hard, pushing and all, he just like slide out from my vajajay, sooo im going to tell u all my labor journey. this is for isa, so he say thank you mm on all of his birthday, every year. your welcome isa, mm love u so muchh. 

This also can be considered as pengalaman bersalin musim PKP brrrr

5/12/20202

Sooooo, i was overdue, isa's due date is 1/12, i was supposed to go to the hospital on 7/12. i was chilling, still not feeling the contraction, but that morning, i have like a slight pain around my stomach, its like a very mild period pain, but it only last for 10 minutes? then its gone. my mom suggested that we should just go to the hospital, u know, in case. but when we arrived at the hospital, its around 4pm, i dont feel the pain at all, its all normal. But i already arrived in the hospital, so yeah, the doctor done some check ups on me, no sign of going into labor so far. put the CTG machine, no contraction, isa is sleeping, the doctor have to shake my belly so that isa wake up. but he just refused to haha. they checked my opening, its 1cm, which mean naaah. but because im already overdue, they just asked me to stay in the hospital ward. i was like, shoot, i didnt even bring anything, cuz i know im not going into labor yet, so i didnt bring my bag. so i asked my husband to go and fetch it at my house. so before i go into the ward, a senior doctor came and checked my opening, she was like, "eh its already 3cm"

admitted to the ward

at 4.30pm admitted to the ward. um,okay. andddd here comes the pain. it started mild. im in the ward alone, due to covid, nobody can accompany you. So i went to the toilet, and theres bloodd. its the first time im seeing blood coming out of my vagina after 9 months. haha. i was like excited. yes, finally! because, i just cannot wait for isa to come outt! hes heavy, im so tired of carrying him in my tummy hahah. but then, after i pray maghrib, i started to feel sooooooo much pain, okay, not so excited anymore T^T i was like tossing and turning. it hurt soooooooooooo muchhh. and then the doctor came, and i told him, i felt like something is coming out of me, when i got out of the bed, blood, theres chunks of blood on the floor. they put me on the wheel chair and off i go to the labor room. 

Around 10pm, i was in the labor room. i asked for all the pain killer that they have. they gave me a shot of pain killer. and that thing that you have to inhale, idk what it is, what i know is, its not enoughhhh, im still feeling the paiinn. that thing makes me drowzy, so when the contraction gone, i fell asleep, then woken up by contraction, and fell asleep again, untillll its around 1am, idk, i cant really keep track of the time, im high and in pain. i was alone in that LR. no nurse or doctor. so i was turning and tossing, then a doctor came, and asked me if i wanted to push now, which, of course, YES PLEASE MAKE THIS PAIN GO AWAYYYY!!! 

so he asked me to push. then a nurses came and asked the doctor, eh kenapa dah push, tak cukup cm lagi, and the doctor was like, well, she wanted to. of course i wanted to, i feel like shitting myself like 2 hours ago okay. hahaha. so i push and pushhh and pushh, isa dont want to come out. then another nurse came. i was like soooo tired, and in pain, my last meal was like 12 hours ago ke, and it was just only a small bowl of porridge and i have dont have the energy anymore. the doctor told me to push like as if i am having a hard poop, yeah, idk, never in my life, i have a very healthy bowel system, hahah. ive watched a millions of youtube videos on breathing technic, and at that moment, i just cant remember how to breath, how to push?! 

you know, i have this thing, when things gets too hard, i tend to dissociate myself from it, like, this is not the reality, is this some kind of simulation. so i stopped pushing, and i think of the billboard in front of the USM. waah theres a new LED billboard in front of the USM, its been so long since i came here. 

the nurse was shouting to me, pussshhhhhhh! baby lemas nanti lama duk bawah tu! okay, i push, NOOO jangan push dengan muka, push bawahh! okay. idk how. the two nurse urut urut and push my belly so that isa can come out, the doctor had already did the episiotomy on me. and at 1.24AM i gave birth to isa. fuuuhhhhhhh the feeling when isa came out of me, i still remember the gush of warm water coming out of me with isa, legaa! but i still dont agree with people yang cakap "oh tengok baby nanti hilang semua rasa sakit" cuz im sure as hell im still in pain. 

When isa first came out of me, hes not crying, he is silent, and i was still in phase of "is this reality? or is this a simulation? naah this must not be the reality. so i was blur, looking at my baby not crying, it should be a very scary thing right? Nurse terus amik isa and lari keluar, she shout something, i dont know what it is. so i never have a skin to skin moment after giving birth. im so sorry isa, mm had try her best to push you :'( but isa cry after that. i think isa is still sleeping, thats why he didnt cry. haha. 

and then the doctor start to stitch me up, it takes soo longggg! so i gave birth to isa at 1.24am, the stitching ended at 3.30am? about 2 hoursss. and i can feel the threaddd. ngiluuuuuu. so they stitched me up, and the doctors was like "hmm the blood is not stopping" they left some placenta in me, so they had to korek balik, ughhh the painnn, it feels like giving birth againnn! 

took this photo righ after they finished stitching me up

so around 4am, they put me in the wheelchair, gave me a cup of hot milo and 3crackers, i ate them all and asked for some more, im hungry mannnnn, i havent eaten for more than 12 hours. and then i met isa for the first time, hes all bundled up and clean and cute :') i dont know how to hold him at first, not very used to holding up very small bb. then we were brought to the ward again. i haven sleep for 24 hours now. so tired. of pushing and everything, but cannot sleep cuz im still in so much pain, and theres isa, he have to drink milk, shoot, i dont know how to breast feed a baby. so i call the nurse, asked her to show me how to breastfeed isa, cuz i need him to poop and pee so that we can be discharged from the ward. the problem is, isa dont really want to drink, he wanted to sleeeeepppp. such a cutie. he didnt even cry or anything, he just open his eye and look at me, and sleep, gaahhh so cute. i miss him, the smol bean isa :') 

first day of isa

so kewttt

Thanks dd upah teran isa :')

7 days of isa. Majlis cukur :)

Our first family photo <3

sooo yeah. isa is soooo bigggg now, such a big boy, geramm

still my baby, forever and always <3

and sorry ye, no adik for you in the near future, im still traumatized haha

Isa latest picture, big boyyyyyyy already :')

semoga menjadi anak yang solehhh isa. mm love youu. 

hi

 so hi. ill be posting more frequent on this blog. I hope. hehe.

ive been active on twitter sharing my thoughts and rant

but it is so limited, i want to embrace this side of me that loveeee to rant hahaha

i have so much in my mind to share, people need to know what im thinking okeeyy. hahaha. 

i know this blog had been abandoned for sooo long. dulu setiap minggu kot update.

i have this blog since im 15. now im 28. haha. i love this space so much.

i have a lot of social media, but i always run back to this blog. its nostalgic. 

maybe the content will be more about my baby, hehe im so obsessed with him im sorry :p

bye for nowwww. TTYL :*

PANDEMIC

 Hey

Its august 2021, im 28, just trying to make sense of everything

Its been 500 days living with Corona,

We had been asked to stay at home for 500 days, fuhhh

Some cannot see their family, including me, i miss them so much,

Some lost someone they love, i lost my loving aunty cikyah to corona,

Some lost their income, i witnessed some of my friends lost their jobs,

Its a very hard time, news about suicide is everywhere, anxiety is high, some just cant take it anymore, with the very incompetent government some more. Its hell. 

U know i only come here to write if i have very strong emotion, like when im just soooo happy, or soo emotional, or sooo sad. And now im super anxious. About almost everything. All the uncertainties. I cannot make any plans, cuz theres corona.

Theres nothing concrete now. Will i survive this pandemic? I dont know. Maybe no maybe yes. But i just hope all my love one isnt effected by this pandemic. I want my parent to live through it. Im so worried about them. And also isa. I am worried about him too. Hes too small. He cannot be vaccinated. What if i got corona, who will take care of him. My parents is not here, my husband is not here. Just thinking about all these making me feel depressed. Also worried for my siblings, and husband, who were all soooo far away from me :(

If i didnt survive this pandemic, i just hope my parents is not sad. Its one of my wish to die before them, i couldnt handle loosing them ever. I am not that good at goodbye. So its better for me to leave than them leaving me. But my only concern is Isa, if im gone, he have to grew up with no mother, that is sad, having a mother is one of the god greatest give, one of my biggest blessing is having my mother and father. This is all sad. Just too sad. Please tell isa that i love him soooo much. Mimi love you so much bb inca, please always be healthy. 

I hope theres a silver lining to all this. And i hope that all my family members survived this pandemic. So we can gather again. And i will miss cikyah so much. Semoga Allah tempatkan cikyah dengan golongan yang beriman. I hope we can be reunite again. Someday. 

  

memoir

I'm just dropping by to jot this down in case one day I forget. To remind me that i have such an awesome friend. This is my memoir dedicated for a good friend of mine, echa.

 Last night after dinner, me and echa had some conversation about life after me having my baby. U know, being pregnant is not as complicated as having the child out in the real world, haha, cuz the baby is in the tummy, so yeah, nothing much affected my life. But after this, it sure will, with me not having a husband beside me to do rotation of who will take care of the baby, I have to do it allll by myself. I have to think where to put him when I go to work, or do I bring him with me when I go out and about, outstations, all the extra cost, pampers, milk, baby things blab la bla. Biggest issue is where I will stay after this, right now I'm staying in the apartment that are provided by my office with my officemate, but I think it would be an inconvenience to others if I bring the baby with me, like, everybody in the house didn’t signed up to listen to baby's cry remix every night. Soooo being considerate I just think I have to find a new place to rent. More extra cost.

So I was discussing this with echa, and she agreed to help me with all these aka being my 2nd "husband", help me take care of the child, and find a house to rent together. And she told me "Allah dah susun elok dah, mungkin ni lah hikmah aku tak kawen lagi, supaya boleh jaga anak kau sesama"

And I was like, soooooooo struck by it. First of all, I am sooo thankful to have such a good friend. Shes willing to leave her current apartment just to stay with me, and she is practically living for free in her apartment. And I was sitting there thinking, if I was in her shoes, would I do the same? Would I give up my free rent apartment? and pay extra money just to rent so that I can take care of somebody else's child? Like, right now, I am only considering to move from my free rent house just because its my child, if I don’t have this child I would live here like foreverrr haha don’t have to pening pening keluar duit sewa. But shes willing to do that, she volunteered for it, I don’t even make that suggestion. I don’t even have word to describe how thankful I am to have her as my friend T^T i dont deserve herrr

and even now, shes the one who had been taking care of me, ajak dinner everynight, being my personal food panda and all. tsk. What did i do to deserve such a wonderful friend :')

I pray that god will bless her with the biggest blessing ever. And thank you God for blessing me with the biggest blessing of a good friend :') May Allah ease everything for me and her. 

Semoga persahabatan ini diberkati selalu. I love you.