if i die

 ive experienced life and death situation several days ago

in the Operation room, all i think is what if i die

u know, i always wanted to die before everyone else, because i cannot live without everyone that i love.

the thoughts of loosing my parent kills me, like whats the point of living without them,

like, i wanted to die before my parent, siblings, love one and all. 

and then i have isa. 

now i have isa, i wanted to live as long as i can, so that i can see him and have more borrowed time with him, i want to be with him for as long as i can. i want to hold his hand until maybe one day he is the one that have to hold my hand. 

all i think is, please dont let me die, isa is too small to be motherless, i still have so much love to give to him. i wanted him to have endless mother love, just like how i am endlessly loved by my mother. i wanted to see him grow up, to always be there for him during his up and down. Ya Allah semoga dipanjangkan waktu kami bersama. 

i love him so much. i was more worried of him more than im worried about me. like, im not scared that im about to be cut open by the doctors, but im worried that i die and isa wont have a mother. i guess this is what being a mother is, putting your child first before you. 

and isa, if i really do die, well i surely will die someday, but if its before u can understand things, i want you to know that i love you so muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so much more than all the universe and everything inside. you are my whole universe, my whole life, my reason for being alive. MM love you. 

Hauzwife

 Hollaaa,

Its 2022 alreadyyy. Happy new yearrrrr everybodyy

This year i took new year new me seriously and literally 

I quit my job and start a new life in a new country 8,350 km away

Fuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It was one of the biggest decision everrr

It feels like, it was way bigger than when i decided to bring another human being into this world haha

it had always been in the plan, u know, to quit, be a housewife, it was one my dream to sit on my butt all day doing nothing at home haha. 

but when i actually have to go through with it. omg. im actually tornnneddd

suddenly i realised i love working. meeting friends at work. going to lunch together. being busy. i love the money that i get from it. i love the feeling that it gives me. tibber lah semuaa haha

and now its been 2 months, almost 3 lahh of being a housewife.

and what i can say, and i never say it out loud to anybody, is that, 

i feel reduced.

not downgraded, cuz i know being a housewife a.k.a not working is surely is not a downgrade, a lot of people search for sugar daddy so that they dont have to work haha. not having to wake up every morning, stuck in the traffic, kena marah boss? sure is an upgrade if u asked me hahah

but i feel reduced. I feel that i have soooo much potential, i have so much things i can contributed to, so many things i can accomplish. but here i am wiping isa poo poo. 

dont get me wrong. i love being isa's mom. but i feel like that is all what i am now. i dont have any other identity than a mom. i am reduced to only that. Dulu i can say oh i am this, i am that, oh i finished a project, oh i got a promotion, oh i was nominated as this, i am an exco, oh i accomplished this and that and now i dont knowwwww, i finished washing dishes? 

i am reduced to a mom. and only that. dulu i can say oh im a executive, and a mom or wtv lah kan, now i am only a mom. and i cannot escape it for 24/7. dulu when i went to work, i am not attached to being a mom, i feel like i have something else. like i am more than taking care of my child. does this sound ridiculous? macam mak tak guna kan, hahaha but thats how i feeellll. cuz dulu i have time that i can spend lepak  with friend, karoke, and all cuz isa in taska. now, i am the taska haha. 

oh well, other than that, everything is good. but i sure miss home. i am home sick!  

i miss my mom and dad so badly. everytime i nyusu isa, i would think my mom did this for me too dulu, and now im here so far away from her, nanti isa will do this to me too, isa will be soooo far away from me, having his own life, apart from me. hahahha. which is irony cuz baca tak perenggan atas tu i cakap about finding an escape from being a mother, but at the same time i want my baby to me 24/7, sampai ke tua! hahahhahaha

motherhood is crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy